Transcendent joy, incandescent bliss
Reader, I hope you, at some point in your life, find yourself in the center of a dance circle dancing for a crowd. At least that. Tonight I did not have that, but something perhaps even better: a plethora of friends in their own small circles, deftly maneuvered by me to be close to each other, so I could bounce between them like a moth jumping from light to light. Reader, sometimes I don't feel the pull others do of research success. Perhaps its because the visceral approval of the crowd of people around me is so much better, or perhaps its because when I lose myself to dancing the world melts away and I experience transcendent joy, incandescent bliss. Happiness, expression, approval, status: what more could I want in that moment? To be loved for me expressing myself by my peers who I expect. To have so many friends at a single event that I can jump between them. To impress strangers to a degree that they ask for me. To do all these things is a joy that transcends ordinary experience. Its so hot it burns, so hot that I can lose myself (or perhaps, my neverending analytic mind) in that visceral moment.
In that moment, the other I'm reminded of a phrase from the pharmakopoeia by Dale Pendell. One of the many books I appreciate now but didn't in my youth when I first read them, before I had fully understood the value of the poetic to understand what prose struggles to capture. Why do I imbibe only one drug? Why do I forsake caffeine, and THC, and everything else that changes the mind, but make way for the destructive effects of ethanol? It is because alcohol allows entry into the liminal state. Its effects: "The world is light. You feel spontaneous. Problems are solvable or ignorable. And you can live like that that for a very long time, perhaps." Perhaps not. That's the reason that singers will tell you to party like its that last night of your life. To give in for that one magical moment, and accept the consequences when they come. To lose control and give oneself future pain: it seems a fool's errand. But the point is that the magical path is not navigated by pure reason. It is navigated by the pursuit of perfection. There is a tradeoff in life. How much to live in the moment, how much to plan for the future. Those who never celebrate the inherent joys of life and those who never stop celebrating the present moment are both infinitely far from that transcendent joy, that incandescent bliss. To get there you need to build something worth celebrating and celebrate it. Do the friendships I have made in grad school qualify? Some may quibble. But at this moment, after this wonderful night and every wonderful night with friends I love, my answer is always a resounding yes. I hope you get to experience this feeling. Its worth it.
Best,
Ani